Freak
by westwardcircle
Summary: Mello's life sucks - Uncool at school and unwanted at home. He is a freak and he is alone. But when Matt enters his life, he might have found something to live for. MattxMello with some LxLight. Sorry for OCs. M - Swears, Cutting, Abuse, Rape, etc.
1. Freak

**Disclaimer:** Death Note isn't mine. I don't have the attention span.

**AN: **I like High School AUs, don't I? ....:D

* * *

**Freak**

_**What they call me at school.**_

**Freak**

_**What they call me at home.**_

**Freak**

_**What I see in the mirror everyday.**_

**Freak**

_**What's written on my leg.**_

**Freak**

_**Written by blood.**_

_**By a blade**_

_**By my own hand**_

**Freak**

_**I am a freak**_

_**And I like it.**_

* * *

"Mihael Keehl to the office for a moment," a voice over the loudspeaker instructed.

"Okay," my homeroom teacher (More like adviser), Mr. Touta (First name Matsuda), said.

So I got up and headed to the office. Of course, one of the football jocks, Aiber (Not his real name. Don't know or care what it is), tried to trip me. I rolled my eyes and stepped over his foot. My cousin (And his girlfriend) Wedy rolled her eyes and cast me a sympathetic smile. At least _someone _was on my side.

And now comes my 2-minute walk to the office. I got shoved against a locker and called some names by some other bonehead jock.

I finally reached the office, probably with a developing black eye.

"I was called here," I blandly stated, getting the attention of the secretary, Sachiko Yagami.

"Oh, Mihael," she said, "Could you show our new student Mail around?"

"Sure."

She waved someone over and Mail rounded the corner.

He had red (not orange, RED) hair that pretty much covered his eyes, so it was hard to tell what color they are (green, by the way). His outfit consisted of black and white, his shirt was alternating stripes of the two and he had plain black skinny jeans. Even his shoes were black. We seemed about the same height, but he was thinner.

And I think I just checked him out.

…Awkward…

Luckily the bell rang.

"You two have the same schedule," Mrs. Yagami said, shoving said schedule into Mail's hand, "Go to your fist period class."

We listened to her and started heading towards the class.

Well, this is an awkward silence.

1…2…3…

"Giant polar bears!" I yelled, causing some heads to turn.

"What the fuck!?" Matt yelled.

"It's an ice breaker," I shrugged, "Call me Mello."

"I go by Matt."

"Why do you hate your name?"

"Who said that?"

"Your real name is short, so you don't need a nickname, yet you don't go by it."

"Nice deductive reasoning," I inwardly smiled, "I was teased because of my name."

"How'd you pick up the name Matt?"

"Middle name. What about your name? Is it just a nickname or do you hate it?"

"A bit of both."

"Why do you hate it?"

"I just do."

"I guess I'm not going to push you to tell me."

"Thanks."

1…2…3…

Wow, most people would have –

"Fuck," Matt said, "Now I'm curious."

- contradicted themselves by now…

"And I just contradicted myself," Matt pointed out the obvious.

"That you did, master of the obvious."

Matt rolled his eyes (which was hard to see, because of his hair).

At that moment, Aiber walked by and coughed.

Excuse me, "coughed".

"Faggot," that would be Aiber.

I flipped him off and Matt rolled his eyes again.

"He's _real _cool," Matt said. I could just hear the sarcasm dripping off his voice, "So why do you not go by your real name?"

"You're contradicting yourself again," I pointed out.

"I contradict myself? Very well then, I contradict myself."

I giggled (yes, GIGGLED) and entered my first period class – pre-calculus. Yes, I'm only a Junior and in pre-calculus. I'm one of 2 (well, now 3) people in the school with that honor. I may not look it, but I'm the 3rd smartest in the school and 2nd smartest in my grade. Matt must be pretty smart too 'cause we're in all the same classes and schedules at this school are set up by smarts.

Which also means that I'm in all the same classes (escept P.E. and French) with that big-headed twit Near (Real name: **Na**te Riv**er**). Sure, we're sort of friends, but there's an unspoken rivalry between us for the top spot. And I think he likes me. Ugh.

I guess I have to explain now.

Near is bi (he probably didn't know what that meant until after he realized it). As you can tell through subtle hints, I'm gay. My friends L and Light are gay, too. Beyond and Misa are bi. Takada is a lesbian (basically (she only likes anime men)). Mikami is questioning. The only straight ones are No (He doesn't have a real name, so he goes by that) and Helena. I have my doubts about Helena, though.

But back to the story.

I sat down behind Near and Matt sat next to me. Near turned and looked a me with a look that read, 'Who the fuck is this douche?'. Uh…actually it would probably be more, 'Excuse me, Mello, but who is your new friend?'

"Matt," the redhead stopped daydreaming and looked at me, "This is Near. Near, this is Matt."

"I am pleased to make your acquaintince," Near (who else talks like that?) said.

"Me too," Matt replied.

They shook hands.

The teacher, Mr. Ide Hideki, strolled into the room 5 minutes late. He started the (extremely boring) lesson after 3 minutes of trying to shut up the class.

* * *

"Personally," I interrupted Light and Misa's debate on who was the hottest Jonas brother, "I think they all are overrated, need new pants, and have caterpillar eyebrows."

"Mello," Light said, "You only were skinny jeans, too."

"But it fits my stereotype."

"True."

"But the Jonas Brothers are hot!" Misa whined.

"Neither of you should be talking about this," Beyond said, joining the conversation, "You two both have boy/girlfriends."

Misa smiled, "But it's true."

"I'm sure L wouldn't mind," Light said.

"I wouldn't mind what, Light-kun?" L asked, popping out of nowhere.

"Where the hell did you come from?" Beyond asked his twin (yes, twin. They had different last names, but they were twins).

"Our mother," L replied coolly and sat next to his boyfriend (in case you're a dumbass and can't tell, that's Light.)

I saw Matt wandering around, looking for me. I stood up and waved him over, but Aiber and a few of his buddies found him first. I got out of my chair, and walked towards them. I couldn't tell what they were saying, but I could tell by Matt's body language that it wasn't good. Luckily, I got there before the situation turned violent.

I tapped Aiber on the shoulder. He turned around and smirked.

"So you've come to rescue your princess?" he asked in the jerky way jocks talk.

"Listen," I started, "I'm tired, have a headache, haven't taken my medication, have serious blackmail on you, and just don't feel like dealing with your bullshit, so if you don't feel like getting your skull bashed in, then I suggest you leave."

I guess I had used my death glare, too, because the bastards backed off.

"You okay?" I asked Matt.

"Yeah," he replied, but his eyes said otherwise.

"What did they say to you?"

"Oh, just the normal insults: faggot, fairy, pansy, etc."

"Eh, you'll get used to it. C'mon, let's go join my table."

He smiled and I think my heart jumped. What the fuck?!

"Hey guys," I got the groups attention (they were having another debate), "This is Matt. Matt, say hi."

"Hi?" Matt said.

"Say hi to Matt everybody!"

"Hi to Matt everybody!," L and Light said.

Everyone else said 'hi' normally. Beyond nodded in his direction before resuming his conversation with Near. I sat down and motioned to the seat next to me. Matt sat down and we joined in on L and Light's conversation. Matt seemed to get along with them, and I was happy. Wait, what? I'm happy? For Matt? What? .....He looked so much like a lost puppy......maybe I'm just glad he seems comfortable. Yeah, that must be it.

* * *

"I don't see the point," Matt told me, "Why make us translate sentances we'll never say?"

"Are you saing that because you believe in the statement," I asked slyly, "Or because you can't do the work."

"Because I believe in the statement. For example: _Je mange du poulet et de riz_."

"Yeah. I don't get it either. But I just to the work to retain my grades."

"I retain my grades without having to do the work...."

He seemed thoughtful and started to zone out. I snapped my fingers in front of his face.

"Earth to Mail."

"Huh? What?"

"Your expression's priceless!" I giggled (shut up).

He pouted and mock glared at me.

"Shut up."

I smiled and giggled (SHUT UP!!!!) yet again. He looked too cute (like in a little kid way, don't get any ideas) with puppy dog eyes.

"Fags," someone coughed and I rolled my eyes. Matt glanced down at his desk.

The bell rang and we stood up immediately.

We were about to part ways when I decided to go out on a limb. I turned around and caught up with his retreating figure (he apparently lived within walking distance).

"Hey Matt."

He practically jumped.

"Holy shi - oh, it's only you."

"Only me?" I asked teasingly.

"You scared the fuck out of me."

"Too bad for your fuck then."

"What's up?"

"You wanna come over sometime?"

"What?"

"You heard me."

"Uh...when?"

"Is today good?"

"Um, okay?"

"See if you can come over. Try to be at my house at three."

"Uh...I don't know where you live."

I took out a sharpie and grabbed his hand. I wrote my address on it.

"Here's my address," I dropped his hand, "Google it."

"Uh...ok?"

I turned around and stalked away.


	2. Scars

**

* * *

**

AN:

Wow, people actually seem to like this story. O.O I guess I'll try to update it as much as I can. But school just started, I'm in Marching Band, and I'm doing a play. So…

**Disclamer: **Death Note belongs to Ohba and Obata, as do Matt, Mello, L, Light, Misa, Takada, Wedy, Aiber, Mikami and Near. BB belongs to NISIOISIN. Jeanne, Helena, and No belong to me.

* * *

**Chapter 2: Scars**

"Jeanne!" I yelled, "I'm home!"

"Okay!" My sister yelled back, "How was school!?"

"Good! I'm having a friend over!"

"Beyond, L, Light, No, or Helena!"

"None of them! I have a new friend!"

"Really?!" she entered the kitchen, "I thought you were socially deprived!"

I rolled my eyes, "I'm not _that _bad. Just look at Near."

"Oh yeah."

"Oh, and Beyond said he liked her hair better black."

She blushed, "Shut up! I was going to dye it back! Don't give me shit about it!"

I laughed, "Love ya sis!"

I left the room and immediately my face fell. I trudged up to my room and collapsed on the bed.

"Dammit," I muttered and rolled over to face my bedside table. I dug around in the drawers until I found a blade from a pencil sharpener I took apart. I rolled up the leg of my shorts until my scars showed. I traced over them with the blade until they opened up again. Soon the word 'Freak' was visible on my thigh.

"I hate this," I whispered, tears starting to come through, and tossed the blade back into the open drawer. I curled up on my side and decided to just wait until Matt got here.

* * *

"Rise and shine sleeping beauty!" Someone dumped water on my head.

"Wha – " I sat up and looked around. Matt was standing next to my bed holding a half-empty water bottle.

"What the hell?!" I shouted and threw my pillow at him.

"You're a really heavy sleeper," He caught the pillow and threw it back at me, hitting me in the head.

"Whatever," I rolled my eyes, "What do you wanna do?"

He shrugged, "Got any video games?"

"Hell yes. But I don't have Rainbow Ponies in Paradise 3."

"Dude! Really? But the graphics are so much better!"

"Damn! If only I had enough money…and dignity to actually _buy_ it."

We simultaneously burst out laughing.

"Wow, we are idiots!" I said, "So are we going to play video games or what?"

"Sure! What games do you have?"

"I'll show you!" I took his hand and dragged him out of my room and down the stairs to the TV room.

He immediately spotted the video games and ran over to them. It took him about 5 minutes to decide what to play (he talked to himself the entire time). He finally handed over the game to me.

"Halo Wars?" I asked, "I took you as a Final Fantasy person."

"I like all games!" he exclaimed and dragged me to the TV. I got the game set up on my Xbox 360 and threw a controller at him, hitting him on the shoulder.

"Ooowww," he whined, dramatically rubbing his shoulder.

"Damn, you're hyper," I commented, selecting the mode for the game.

He killed me within 5 minutes. I stared at him in disbelief and he smirked.

We spent an hour playing until I _finally_ beat him. But I died 26 more times.

"Finally!" I exclaimed.

"Let's do something else," Matt said.

"You're just mad 'cause I beat you."

"No. We have homework to do."

"You're angry!"

"Homework!"

"Angry!"

"Homework!"

"Angry!"

He shoved me like the 5-year-olds we were. I pushed him on the floor, but he dragged me down with him. We rolled around, trying to punch each other, until my head hit a table leg.

"Ow! What the – "

Then I noticed our position – me straddling Matt's waist and holding his wrists above his head in an effort to make him stop punching me. Our heads were an inch or two apart; therefore our lips were, too. My eyes met his and we both flushed red and jumped away from each other.

"So, uh," I said, breaking the awkward silence that followed, "How about starting on our homework."

"Sure, okay," Matt replied. He practically ran to the kitchen and I walked upstairs. He joined me in my room later, holding his backpack.

"European History?" he asked, looking at the ground.

"Sure," I choked out.

We sat at my desk and shared my textbook. It was silent except for one of us asking the other about something we didn't understand, which was rare. When we finished, we looked at each other awkwardly.

"Physics?" we asked at the same time, which got a smile out of me and a chuckle out of Matt.

"Why not?" We once again said at the same time. Both of us laughed and the tension was broken.

It took forever to get our homework done because we kept making 'That's What She Said' jokes.

"How the Hell does that make sense?!" I asked about the joke he just made.

"Well, if you're gay – " he started.

"Is this going to be offensive?" I asked, "If it is, don't bother."

He rolled his eyes, "Everything's offensive now."

"Psh."

"Psh? What the Hell is that?"

"It's my unnecessary sound effect."

"Unnecessary sound effects are actually needed in everyday conversation."

"Totally."

…

Awkward silence

…

"Awkward silence – " Matt started.

"Say anything about a gay baby, you die," I threatened.

"Why are you so touchy about the gay thing?" he asked.

"Because I _am _gay."

"Oh, uh, okay."

Shit, I freaked him out.

"So am I."

I knew I should have – WHAT?!

"What?" I looked at him and he nodded.

"Straight as a rainbow," he said.

"Oh, okay," I smiled, "Cool."

We finished our homework in silence and Matt left.

* * *

**AN: **That was an extremely horrible chapter. I'm so sorry. I have no excuse. Except writer's block. That's my excuse.


	3. Hospital

**AN: **I don't know, but this chapter seems like it should be rated M for the violence. So, yeah, this chapter has extreme abuse.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Death Note. Blahbbity blah blah.

* * *

**Chapter 3: Hospital**

**1 Week Later**

"So how was school?" my mom asked, pretending to be a caring parent. She had invited her boss over for dinner and I was tempted to ruin it for her, but I would pay for that later on.

"Good," I replied nonchalantly. Jeanne rolled her eyes, knowing that I get picked on everyday.

"Any tests or quizzes?"

"No."

I finished my meal.

"May I be excused?" I asked, playing up the 'good son' act.

"Of course, dear," seems like Ma was also playing up the 'good mom' act.

I dropped my plate in the sink and escaped to my room. I heard Jeanne's footsteps 5 minutes later. She walked right past my room and into her room. I heard yelling from downstairs.

"You're not supposed to be here!" Mom's voice.

"Why?! So your new toy doesn't know you're married?!" Dad. Shit.

"Excuse me, sir, but I – " Must be the boss.

"Shut the fuck up! This is between me and the bitch!" Dad again.

"How dare you – " Mom.

"I have dared and I – " Dad.

"You Goddamn – "

SMACK!

I could hear my mom crying loudly as she ran past my room. My dad yelled at the boss guy to get out and I guess he did because soon Dad was wrenching open the door to my room.

"Mihael," he spat out my name with contempt.

"Mihael," I spat his name right back. Yep, we share a name. Isn't that wonderful?

He crossed my room in a few strides and I stared up at him defiantly.

"Don't address me so rudely."

"I'll address you however I want."

He pulled me up by my collar and my eyes instinctively shut in anticipation.

"You're all talk," he snarled dangerously.

I opened my eyes to glare at him before I spat in his face.

"You little bastard!" he tossed me on the floor with extreme force.

"A bastard's someone who was born when his parents weren't married," I said, "Are you trying to tell me something?"

That got me a kick in the ribs. I looked at him and spit again. He kicked me again. And again. He repeatedly kicked me and then pulled me up again.

"You freak," he spat, "You little fag! You don't belong in the family!"

"I'm not gay," I lied.

"Liar!" he tossed me to the ground again and stepped on my face with his work boots.

I screamed as my nose cracked and broke.

"Holy shit!" I yelled at the pain.

"Shut up!" he shouted and pushed down harder.

The pain was unbearable.

I shrieked and screamed, my voice piercing my own ears.

"OH MY GOD!" I cried.

Then the pressure was gone. The pain remained though. I rolled over and threw up my dinner before passing out.

* * *

"Mello!" I could hear Jeanne yelling, "Mello!"

My eyes opened and threw the haze covering my vision, I could make out the forms of Jeanne and some doctor-looking guy. Pain erupted in my head and I closed my eyes.

* * *

"Is he going to be okay?!"

"What happened?!"

"Why can't we see him?!"

The people talking sounded like L, Beyond, and Misa.

My eyes opened and adjusted to the harsh light. I could see an open door and the back of someone wearing a doctor's jacket. He was shoved aside by an angry Misa, who was followed by L and Beyond.

"Mello!" Misa shouted and engulfed me in a hug.

I winced at the force of the hug.

"Mi-Misa?" my voice came out as a whisper.

"Oh my God, Mello!" she sobbed, "What happened?"

I bit my lip.

"Misa, get off of him," L ordered and she jumped back.

"The doctor said you had a broken nose, 2 broken ribs, and very bad bruising," Beyond said, "What happened?"

I bit my lip again.

"I'm not comfortable telling," I whispered.

Some realization set in L's eyes.

"Aww," Misa whined, "I was curious!"

"Shut up," L snapped at her. She looked at him with wide eyes – he _never _snapped at _anyone._

"I'm gonna call the rest of the gang," Beyond said, knowing that L had to talk to me, "Come wit me Misa."

"But – " Misa started, but Beyond dragged her out of the room.

I looked at L.

"How long has this been going on?"

"Forever," I replied.

"How old were you?"

"6."

He looked at me.

"Oh my God," he said.

Misa burst back into the room.

"What's Matt's phone number?" She asked.

"I don't know," I replied.

"774-392-4213," L said.

"How'd you get his number?"

"You've been out for a day," he replied, "You missed school."

"Shit!" I yelled.

_Oh my God! I missed school! I probably missed something important! I'm not going to get straight A's! I'm not going to beat Near! I'm – _

_Overreacting…_

"Calm down!" Misa yelled at me.

"Your heart rate went up," L said.

I glared at them. Misa left to give Beyond Matt's number.

I yawned.

"I'm going to sleep. Wake me up when they all get there."

"Sure, whatever."

* * *

**AN: **Lame. Fucking. Ending. But I did like the abuse part. I haven't written anything violent in a while.


	4. Eyes

**AN: ****People actually really like this story…I never expected that :O Thanks for the critiques and words of praise! Keep 'em coming! Oh, and I apologize for the OCs, but they might actually be important.**

**Disclaimer: ****Death Note and its characters don't belong to me.**

**Chapter 4 -Eyes**

_"Mihael," Dad sneered my name._

_I looked up at him; glad he was at least paying attention to me._

_"Yes Daddy?_

_He smacked me._

_"Ow! Daddy that hurt!"_

_He smacked my other cheek._

_"You fucker," he sneered, "You little shit!"_

_"Shit?" my 6-year-old mind not comprehending the words or what he was doing._

_He bushed me over and kicked me in the ribs_

_"Don't you use that word near me!"_

_I looked up at him, terrified, and with tears falling from my eyes._

_"Daddy?_

_He hit me. Hard._

_"Shut up."_

* * *

I jerked awake.

"Holy shit!" I said aloud.

"Do you usually do that when you wake up?" someone asked.

I looked in the direction of the voice and saw Matt.

"Hey," I said, "Is everyone else here?"

"Almost," he replied and I noticed his cheeks were tinged pink, "Light's not here yet."

He looked at me, seeming a bit worried.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," I lied.

Actually, I was really freaked out by the dream. It was the first time he abused me. The first time I felt fear. The first time I felt pain.

"Really?" he raised an eyebrow, "You were practically shouting in your sleep."

"Nightmare," I said simply.

"Is that all?" he seemed to see through the lies no one else could.

"Yeah."

He shook his head. "That's not all...Mello...how exactly did you _get _those wounds."

I bit my lip.

"I...can't tell you."

He looked at me with concern and realization.

"Mello," he walked over to me in a few quick strides and wrapped his thin arms around me.

I froze. The only contact I get form _anyone_ is when my dad hit me. But this was different. This felt...right?

Slowly, I wrapped my arms around him too. I held back tears that I didn't know were forming behind my eyes – I didn't want to cry, not in front of my friends. Crying would be degrading to my pride. The hell with it.

"Why?" I asked as sobs started breaking through, "Why do I deserve this?"

"You don't," he replied, "No one deserves this."

"Then why does it happen!?" I yelled.

The room was silent, except for my sobs. Dammit. Why do I have to be so weak? Why do I have to cry and always overreact? What's wrong with me?

Matt pulled away and pushed the hair away from my face.

"Mello," he said, tracing my scar, "Is this…"

He didn't need to finish. I nodded, remembering. A few years back, Dad had shoved a lit candle in my face.

"Oh my God," Matt whispered.

I looked him in the eyes. They held so many emotions, mainly concern and fear. For some reason, I felt myself drawn into his eyes. They were an uncommon shade of vivid green. His eyes seemed bottomless, which added a certain sexiness to them. His eyes were beautiful. And, now that I think about it, so was he in whole.

_Holyshitholyshitholyshitholyshit!!!!!! No!!!! Bad Mello!!!! Bad, bad Mello!!! No checking out your friends!!! Especially ones you just met!!!_

"Oh my God," Matt repeated, bringing me away from my thoughts and back to reality, "What did he do?"

"He…shoved a lit candle at me…it also caught my clothes on fire, too…it spreads across my chest and shoulder," I managed to say between the sobs still racking my body.

"Oh my God," Matt said again.

"Yeah," I tried to smile, "You've already said that."

He hugged me again, but immediately pulled away.

"Sorry."

We sat in silence, well, almost silence. Every once in a while a dry sob would rack my body.

"Hey, Matt!" No practically yelled, entering the room, "Helena and I want to talk to Mello!"

"O-okay," he said, caught off guard by his boisterousness.

Matt left and Helena ran into the room with No.

"Mello!" She shouted, then noticed my tear-streaked face.

"Hey, No," She said, "Can I talk to him alone for a second?"

"Why? He's not going to return your flirting."

She glared at him and he left.

"Mello," she said sternly when he was gone, "What the hell happened? I can guess, but…"

"Then guess," I replied when she didn't finish.

"Abuse," she sighed.

"You're the third one to guess it, but are everyone else thinking it?"

"No. They think you fell off a roof or something," she paused, "And the only reason I know is because I went through a period of abuse when I was younger."

"What?" she had never told me this.

"I know. It's not just something you can tell someone. I'm surprised you didn't immediately deny it. Oh, and one more thing: We were all worried about you. Especially Matt."

She winked and left, telling No that he could go in.

Wait, what did she mean by that?


	5. Mental

**AN: **I actually have nothing against Aiber. I just put him there because I couldn't think of anyone else…

**Disclaimer: **Death Note = NOT mine

* * *

**Chapter 5 – Mental**

After 2 days in the hospital, I was finally released when Jeanne had a hissy fit at one of the doctors. I was back in school the next day.

"Hey Faggot!" I was greeted with, "Try to off yourself? Too bad it didn't work!"

Insert jock laughter here.

I glared at the ground, deciding to ignore them. They yelled more insults and said I was weak and shit. Sure, I was pissed, but I was also tired as Hell. I didn't sleep at all last night. I didn't even try _not _to sleep. I just, couldn't.

"Hey Mello," someone greeted me. I looked up to see Matt standing by the doorway.

"Hey," I returned the greeting.

The Jocks wolf-whistled and I flipped them off. I turned back to Matt, who had a pink tinge on his cheeks.

"Are you blushing?" I asked when I realized this.

"N-no," he obviously lied. But I let it go.

The bell for homeroom rang and we proceeded into the Hell called school.

"What did I miss?" I asked.

"Nothing much," he replied, "But we're now learning about mental illnesses and stuff in Psychology."

"Ugh," I inwardly shuddered. Mental Illnesses were a touchy subject for me – whenever someone finds out that I cut (which barely anyone knows), they say there's something wrong with me and I should see a therapist. But I'm not fucking crazy. No way.

Matt smiled at me. "It's not that bad."

I rolled my eyes. "That's a lie."

"How do _you_ know? You haven't been here."

I tried not to glare at him.

"I have my reasons…"

He looked at me. His expression seemed somewhere between 'What?' and 'You don't know the half of it.'

Then someone tripped me. And it actually worked this time (I usually see it coming).

"You fucker!" I yelled.

I looked up to see none other than Aiber.

"You seem off your game," he said, "Your boyfriend distracting you?"

I glared at him.

"Why would anyone actually _want_ to date you anyway?" he continued, "Your ugly and pathetic."

I would never admit it, but that last comment was like daggers ripping through my heart.

Even though I knew I was pathetic and ugly, the constant reminders would just _kill _me. I want to be perfect, but I'm never going to be. I'm never going to be good enough. Why can't they just leave me alone? Why the fuck do I have to be so weak?

I bit my lip, hard.

"Fuck off," Matt said. I looked at him, surprised.

"So he speaks," Aiber commented rudely.

"Shut up," Matt said, trying on a death glare, "Just because you're jealous that Mello has people that actually _care_ about him, it doesn't mean that you can just be an asshole to him."

Aiber glared at him, but backed off. Matt helped me up.

"You okay?" he asked.

I nodded, despite my mind screaming that I wasn't.

He eyed me, seeming to know I was lying, but he seemed to shake it off.

"Let's go to homeroom," he said.

I wish he had questioned me more. Maybe he could help me. Maybe he could be there for me…

No, I have to stop thinking like that. I am fucking strong.

I am strong. Strong, strong, strong.

"Mello," Matt turned to face me. He looked me straight in the eyes and I glanced down at the floor.

I am fucking weak.

He took my hand and dragged me to the office.

"Mrs. Yagami," he said when we entered, "Can we see Miss Misora?"

She took one look at my face and nodded.

Matt dragged me into the guidance counselor's office.

"Miss Misora!" Matt got her attention.

"Matt. Mello," she greeted, "Have a seat."

Once Matt finally got me into a chair, Miss Misora turned her attention towards me.

"Who do I need to beat up?" she asked.

Always the same question. What if it's me she needs to beat up?

"Aiber," Matt answered for me.

"What did he do this time?"

Tell me the truth.

"He called Mello ugly and pathetic."

I am.

She looked at me with an intense gaze. I stared intensely at my hands.

"You are neither pathetic nor ugly," she said.

Oh, but I am.

"You are strong," she continued, "And you're fucking gorgeous."

I smiled. Not because I believed her (who would?) but because of the way she said it. But she's still a therapist. She's just spouting all this shit to make me feel "better."

"Look at me," she demanded.

I raised my head a bit.

"Mello. You are hot."

I laughed a bit at that.

"Remember that," She raised her hands as if to shoo us, "Now go to class."

She doesn't want to deal with me.

We got up and walked out of her office. Mrs. Yagami smiled at us as we walked away.

"Are you going to be okay?" Matt asked, seeming genuinely concerned.

I nodded, lying.

"Good," Matt threw his arm around my shoulders, but dropped it as we entered homeroom. For some reason, my arm tingled where he held me.

Mr. Touta looked at us as we entered, but didn't ask why we were late. Good man.

Aiber sneered as we walked by and Matt glared at him.

He doesn't need to look out for me.

We had only been sitting for about a minute when the bell rang. Everyone popped out of their seats, unless they had Language Arts first period.

Matt said something about Aiber (who was hitting on cheerleaders) and I managed to force out a laugh. He looked at me. He knew the laugh was false. He knew I'm not Okay.

He knew I needed someone to save me.

Will he save me?


	6. Denial

**AN: **This is what happens when my day is made from having 20 e-mails from FF saying that people are reviewing and favoriting my story.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Death Note. Or any of the bands mentioned.

* * *

**Chapter 6 – Denial**

Matt had been in my thoughts the rest of the day and I didn't know why.

So I decided to talk to Misa about it - she knew all about this kind of thing - during art club after school.

"Hey Misa?" I asked when we were set up with our easels, "I have a question."

"What?" She seemed glad to help me out.

"Well," I wasn't quite sure how to say it, "There's this guy that's been in my thoughts all day and none of those thoughts were about killing him."

She blinked.

"Well, what were thoughts?"

"Nothing in particular, just about him in general."

She smiled and I was reminded briefly of a cat stalking its prey.

"Does Mello have a crush?" she practically sang.

I glared at her, but I was pretty sure my face was bright red.

"You do!" she exclaimed and started dancing.

"No. I don't."

I wasn't lying. I refused to let petty things like 'love' stopping me from being the best. Lust, on the other hand, wasn't as bad.

Yes. I'm a bit of whore. Deal with it.

"You totally do," she persisted, "I mean, it's like, obvious!"

"What? You don't even know who he is."

Her cat smile was back.

"Matt," she stated simply.

My jaw dropped. What?! How did...was it that...oh shit!

No! No! I _don't _like him!

She smirked, "I knew it."

I glared and turned my attention back to my painting - a self-portrait, but instead of my scar, half my face had no flesh at all, it was just a skeleton.

"I don't like him," I mumbled as I mixed the paint.

I refuse to like him.

But maybe I do…

I violently started dragging the brush across where my hair would be.

He's perfect. Not just his gorgeous looks, but his personality, too.

My eye twitched and I washed the brush.

No. I refuse. It's not true. I don't like him! I don't like him!

…

No. I don't like him.

…

But I might be falling in love with him.

That can't be true can it?

"Hey Mello?" Misa got my attention.

"What?" I snapped.

She smirked.

"Your secret's safe with me."

Shit.

* * *

I lay down on my bed, staring intently at the blade in my hands. I quietly hummed 'Scream' by ZOEgirl. The song may not fit my music style (KoRn, Disturbed, Three Days Grace, Godsmack, OT3P, etc.) but the lyrics fit exactly how I felt.

I felt tears welling up behind my eyes, but I refused to cry. Instead, I rolled up the legs of my shorts and put the blade to new, unscarred skin.

It was time for a new scar.

I knew that the tears were leaking out of my eyes as I dragged the blade across my thigh.

I am weak, weak, weak.

I'm in love, love, love.

Dammit. I only knew the kid for a few days. Why is he always in my thoughts? Why does he make me feel this way?

I could feel the blood on my leg. I must have cut deep, because I only had the 'L'.

For LOVE.

Matt. Mail Jeevas. He made me do this. I don't hate him. I love him.

God, what's wrong with me?

I had the 'O' and pretty soon the 'V' and the 'E' were added.

L O V E

**L**asting for never

**O**ver and over

**V**ery fucked up

**E**very day

I laughed and the tears rolled into my mouth.

Is this what it's like to be insane? Am I at rock bottom?

_Something takes a part of me / Something lost and never seen_

My phone brought me away from my thoughts.

I didn't even check the ID, I didn't care.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Mello."

Matt's voice.

"Are you okay?"

I was silent.

"I'm coming over."

_Click._

I chucked the damn phone across the room and got up. My shorts fell over my scars. I started walking to my door, but I fell to my knees in front of it.

"Dammit," I whispered.

I'm so fucking emotional! Always blowing things out of fucking proportion! What's wrong with me?

I must have been sitting there for a while, but it felt like just mere minutes.

Someone tapped on my window.

I didn't move.

_Tap. Tap. Tap._

I didn't move.

I _couldn't _move.

I heard the window open and someone climbed into my room.

"Mello," Matt said.

No reaction.

I don't want to do anything. I want to stay here.

"Mello," he crossed my room, "Stand up."

I can't.

Because this is where I am – lower than him. He is perfect. He is amazing.

I

Am

Weak

I felt him pull me up, which took some effort.

"Mello," He made me face him. Made me look him in the eyes.

I was scared.

He took my hand, which was still in a fist, and opened it. The blade was still in it. The blade had blood on it.

"Mello, is this what you have been doing?"

…

Yes.

"Oh God, Mello. Mel, thi - this is huge. You - you can get help. You can – "

"You fucker!" I yelled, "I don't need help! I don't _want _help! Stop pretending like you care! You don't fucking understand!"

Stop!

"You couldn't possibly understand!"

Stop!

"You don't have scars all over your body!"

Stop!

"You don't know what it's like!"

"Shut up," his voice was broken, as were his eyes, "You think I don't care? You think I don't understand? Well you aren't the only person in the fucking world going through this shit! I've been ignoring _my _thoughts and _my _feelings for you! And guess what – "

He pulled up the sleeve of his shirt. At first I thought he had scars, but when I looked closer, I saw what they really were.

Needle marks.

"You're an addict," I spat, "It's fucking different."

"And you're not addicted to cutting?" he sneered, "Why do you think I do this? Because of the pain."

"But you still don't care. You have your own pain. You can't possibly think about me."

"I care."

"Prove it."

He stepped closer.

And he kissed me.


	7. Dream

**AN: **May I remind you that murder is illegal and that if you kill me, the author, you will not hear the end of this fanfiction. Also, I might change the rating because of an idea I got that I'm going to use next chapter. Give me feedback on whether I should or shouldn't.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Death Note

* * *

**Chapter 7 – Dream**

My heart skipped a beat and I froze, confused and caught off guard. His soft lips brought me back and I finally reacted. Our bodies were pushed together and it was perfect. It was like we were one human being, with hearts beating together forever.

But then it was over. And I wanted to kiss him again.

I hated myself for thinking about that and I hated _him_ for _making _me think about that.

I was finally able to fix my features into a somewhat decent glare.

"Get out," I said through gritted teeth.

His eyes were begging for that last statement to have never been said.

"Leave!" I shouted, my voice cracking, "Get the fuck out!"

I could see his heart breaking behind his beautiful eyes. I turned away and pointed to the window, resisting the urge to reach out and apologize. Resisting the urge to beg him to stay. Resisting the urge to beg him to take me with him.

But I didn't do anything.

Once he was out the window and down the tree, I collapsed on my bed, holding the blade up to eye-length.

Then I placed it on my wrist.

I didn't care about hiding the scars or potentially lethal cuts; I just wanted this familiar pain.

Yeah, I knew it could be worse.

Yeah, I knew that I didn't have any _real _reason.

BUT I DON'T FUCKING CARE!

I sobbed as I drew the blade across my wrist, the pretty red line appearing and dripping.

Why am I such a screw-up?

I drew another one right under it, my sobs turning into half-laughter.

Why do I always do this?

A third one finds it's way underneath the first two.

What's wrong with me?

And then a fourth.

Everything.

That's what's wrong with me.

The clock reads11:38.

Really now?

I can't concentrate. The blade somehow gets thrown across the room and I am curled up under the covers.

I have to make it up to him. I can't drive him away. I wouldn't be able to live.

If you can call this living...

* * *

My alarm clock went off and I jumped. I almost got up to get ready for school, but it was Saturday.

"Fuck," I muttered and rolled over.

This was going to be a long weekend.

So I fell back asleep, hoping to just dream the weekend away.

* * *

"Hello, Love," Matt greeted me with a kiss as he walked through the door, wearing a pinstripe suit and carrying a briefcase.

"How was work, honey?" my voice sounded soprano and I was wearing a standard 1950's style housewife outfit. And…I had boobs?

"Wonderful! I got a promotion!"

"That's awesome! Kids! Dad's home!"

"Yay!" two young voices called out.

A young girl with red hair in pigtails came running into the room. Following her came a younger boy with shaggy blonde hair. Matt scooped them up.

I giggled as he twirled them around.

"How was school?" he asked as he set them down.

"Boring," the girl pouted.

"Daddy, daddy!" the boy pulled on his sleeve, "We got 2 new students!"

"Really? What are their names?"

"Mail and Mihael!" Mommy, what's for dinner?"

"Turkey," I replied, "Now why don't you kids do your homework?

"Fine," they sighed in unison.

As they walked away, the scene changed.

The cheery house was replaced with a dingy apartment. The redheaded girl was now a teenager and she was lying facedown on the floor, bleeding. The boy was next to her, screaming.

"Shut up!" I sneered. I caught sight of my reflection – messy hair and bags under my eyes.

"You bitch!" Matt was yelling at me.

He punched me.

I awoke, breathing heavily. Silent tears started rolling down my face and I didn't notice them until I saw my face in the bathroom mirror.

* * *

**AN: **So, the reasons for the dreams? Try figuring it out…


	8. Taken

**AN: **I have to say, the people who review are quite amazing. And, yes, I did go with my plan and I changed the rating. It's probably not what some of you had in mind, though.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Death Note, but I would like to own Mello and/or Matt.

* * *

**Chapter 8 - Taken**

I sat down in the shower, tears probably still running down my face. I felt like the steam from the hot water was suffocating me. The water was also burning my skin and making it turn pink.

I felt like I couldn't cry anymore and I wasn't quite sure whether I was or wasn't.

I looked at my cuts, which were already starting to scab over. Well, the ones on my wrist and hand were. The cuts on my thighs were going to scar – if I let them. The 'L' in 'Love' had reopened due to the water pressure and was giving the water a pink tinge.

I was brought back from my thoughts when the door opened.

My breath caught in my throat as the shower curtain was drawn aside, revealing my father.

I was terrified. I could smell the alcohol on his breath. I knew what was coming. I knew what was going to happen to me.

"Your mother is a bitch," he slurred, "Make yourself useful, you bastard."

I held back a scream as he pulled me out of the shower and against the sink.

Oh, God, no.

I felt extreme pressure against my asshole and then

Pain

I could feel the skin and tissue tearing. A buzzing filled my ears, so I couldn't hear how loud I was screaming, but I could feel my throat starting to get sore.

I tried to get away, but it just sent more pain seering through my body.

I tried to block out my father's moans and grunts by screaming louder. I bit my lip to concentrate on that pain. I could taste the blood.

My vision started to blur around the edges and my mind shut down.

It was all black.

* * *

I woke up coughing up some of the blood I swallowed into the already red bath water.

Not only were my ass and lip sore, but I had 8 tiny crescent-moon shape scars on my hips that stung like a bitch.

I could remember it all to clearly.

I wanted to cry, but I held it back.

I was through with being a coward.

I was through with being weak.

I was just raped. I've been abused – by my father, by the douches at school, and by myself – for far to long.

I'm taking control of my life.

The first thing I'm going to do is run away.

* * *

**AN: **That was a short chapter. Sorry.


	9. Divine

**AN: **Holy crap! I love you guys so fucking much! :D

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Death Note. But I would like to own Mello.

**Suggested Listening: **Save Me From Myself – Head

* * *

**Chapter 9 - Divine**

I shivered.

It has been 2 days since I ran away. I haven't eaten or slept. Every time I close my eyes, I see _his _face. I had managed to get a chocolate bar, but I immediately threw it up. I hadn't gone to school.

I was a wreck.

I'm so terrified that he's going to find me and hurt me again. I need to get far, far away. But one thing is holding me back.

Matt.

I hung out by the school earlier today and caught a glimpse of him. He looked utterly depressed, but not as bad as I must look.

I swear he looked in my direction, but I don't think he saw me.

I lied my head down on the bench I was lying on.

I was dizzy, hungry, and tired. I needed someone to find me, seeing as I can't find them. I can't save myself.

I could feel my fingers starting to become numb.

It's only been 2 days and I already felt like I was going to die.

But I didn't really care about it.

I slowly got up and stumbled in the direction I thought that L and Beyond's house was. I needed to survive, but I just wanted to curl up and die.

I finally stumbled out of the park and onto a sidewalk. A few cars passed by and I wanted to yell at them to pay attention to the nearly dead teen walking by them. Then one of them pulled over.

"Get in," the driver demanded.

I blinked at them lazily.

"Mello," I now saw that it was Beyond, "Get in the fucking car."

He opened the door and practically pulled me in. I collapsed in the seat.

"What the Hell were you thinking?!" someone yelled at me from the back.

I was barely aware of what was going on. Someone handed me a bottle of water and forced me to drink some. It was cold, but it burned my throat.

I could feel my eyelids fluttering shut as I realized that I was with my friends and that I was safe.

Safety…

* * *

I woke up in the bed in one of L and Beyond's guest rooms. I could see the either the sunrise or sunset and I had no clue what time or day it was. I also didn't know how I got here.

I do remember that I didn't have any dreams, which was good.

My eyes started to close again, but the door opened and they shot open.

It was Matt.

"Oh," he said, "You're awake."

I nodded.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"For what?" my voice was hoarse from not using it for days.

"I probably forced you to do this. I made you angry."

"No," I whispered, "My dad…"

"What did he do?" he was suddenly kneeling by the bed.

I was silent. I didn't know whether to lie, tell him the truth, or continue being silent.

"Mello," he placed a hand on my forehead. He must have cold hands or something, because they felt like ice.

"Your burning up," he sated simply.

He walked away and I wanted to yell at him that I'll be fine as long as he doesn't leave me, but I couldn't find my words.

I just let the calming numbness of sleep wash over me.

* * *

I woke up almost immediately, sweating and panting. Misa was there with a thermometer, looking at me strangely, but I ignored her.

My dream, Oh My God.

Matt was raping me. It didn't start out as rape. It started out all nice and sexy and hot.

Then the scene changed. It was no longer nice and sexy. There was blood and I knew it was me who was bleeding.

And, again, I was a woman.

"Mello?" Misa brought be back from my thoughts.

I turned my attention to her. I probably looked like a dear in caught in the headlights.

"Oh my God," she rushed towards me, "Are you okay?"

I started to nod, but I shook my head.

"What's wrong? What can I do? Oh my God! Oh my God! What happened? Holy shit!" she started freaking out and was almost hyperventilating.

"I…want to be…alone," I barely managed to say.

She nodded frantically and left.

1…2…3…

I slowly let out the breath I had been holding since I woke up.

What did those dreams mean?

I stood up and started pacing. I could feel pressure pushing on my forehead. My shoulders started shaking as I stopped pacing to kneel beside my bed. IU clasped my hands as holy words started falling from my lips.

"_Pater noster qui es in coelis,  
sanctificetur nomen tuum;"_

This prayer was the only thing I knew in Latin.

"_Adveniat regnum tuum,  
fiat voluntas tua,_"

You'd think I'd be fluent in Latin hearing these words. But I just took a class last year in order to be better than Near.

"_Sicut in coelo et in terra.  
Panem nostrum quotidianum da nobis hodie,  
et dimitte nobis debita nostra,  
sicut et nos dimittimus debitoribus nostris.  
et ne nos inducas in tentationem  
sed libera nos a malo._

_Amen."_

The actual prayer was over and I started my own.

"Dear God, I'm sorry for who I am. I know I haven't made the best choices in my thoughts, words, or actions, and I know I'm a sinner, but please help me. Please help me change. Please send someone to save me. I know this is a lot to ask, especially from a sinner like me, but…" My voice started to crack, but I continued, "Please. I'm sorry. I know I'll never be able to change myself and that's why…that's why…"

I bent over and curled up on the ground, trying to hold back the tears that had started to fall.

_I have to be strong. I have to be strong._

I felt strong arms wrap around me and pull me up to lean against the person they belonged to. They held me as I shook and I knew who it was when they whispered that I was safe and that it would all be okay.

It was Matt.

He managed to pull me up and he lied me down on the bed.

He smoothed my hair away from my forehead and gently placed a kiss on it.

He started to walk away, but I grabbed onto his sleeve, pulling him back towards me and eventually onto the bed next to me.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"Mello," he shook his head, "It's not your fault. Don't worry about me. I can quit. Right now, you only have to worry about Mihael."

Coming from his lips, my name was not a curse. It was a liberation. I felt free.

It was fantastic and horrible.

I pulled him closer and buried my head in the crook of his neck.

"I love you," I whispered.

"Me, too," he whispered back.

And that was all. No kissing, no sex. We just lied there holding each other until I drifted back off to sleep.

* * *

**AN: **That is the Latin 'Our Father' by the way.


	10. Shit Hits the Fan Again

**Disclaimer:** Do I even need to say that I don't own Death Note?

**AN: **Okay. I am back. Fo'rizzles. Yeah. Writer's block, school, marching band, play practice, etc. My life was so freaking hectic. **Also, the thing about reviews being set to private or something like that – I don't know how to fix that. T///T Help me out?**

**XXX**

**Chapter 10 – Shit Hits The Fan Again**

Misa jumped and latched onto Kristy, who was holding onto a pillow for dear life. Takada gasped and closed her eyes. No and Mikami grabbed onto each other, but let go immediately. Beyond sat there studying his nails. L and Light continued making out.

Mat squeezed my hand and rolled his eyes as if to say, "This movie is _so _stupid." I squeezed his hand back and nodded. He jerked his hand towards the door and I shrugged. We got up from our spots on the floor.

"What are you doing?" Beyond asked, seeing us stand up.

"We're going out for a walk," Matt replied.

"Are you sure that's safe?" Mikami asked, looking at me, "After all – "

"We'll be fine," Matt said, half-shrugging. He tugged on my hand, leading me to the door.

I shivered once we got outside and he wrapped his arm around me. I looked up at him, smiling.

"Don't look at me like that," he said, pulling me closer to him.

"Why not?" I gave him my attempt at puppy-dog eyes, just to be mean.

"Like that!" he pouted, which I found extremely cute.

"Only if _you _don't look at _me _like _that_," I replied.

"Like what?" he mimicked me, grinning coyly.

I rolled my eyes, "You fucking retard."

He rolled his eyes back at me, "Hey, you're my boyfriend!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" I bumped him with my hip, not letting him know that whenever he said something like that, my heart raced and my life lit up.

Damn, I'm such a freaking pussy.

"That you're dating a retard!" He replied to my question, bringing me back from my thoughts.

"Hey!" I bumped him with my hip again, "My cousin's retarded, stop saying that!"

He bumped me back, "You said it first!"

"So? It's still not nice."

"True. Where are we going anyways?"

I shrugged, "Wherever the road takes us."

"We're on a sidewalk."

I rolled my eyes and we turned, entering a small park.

"Hmm…" Matt hummed in thought.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing," He said, then changed the subject, "I never knew this was here."

"Not a lot of people do," I said.

The park was in the middle of the woods off a side road. It only had a slide and a swing set with two swings and the pond by it was a tad polluted. No child had been here in probably years and the only signs of life were the empty beer bottles, cigarette butts, and condom wrappers littered underneath the slides.

"Shady place," Matt commented, leading me to the swings.

"Yeah," I agreed, "Good thing we're not interrupting someone."

"It's only 11," Matt shrugged, "No one's going to show up until at least midnight."

"True," We sat down on the swings and the rusty chains creaked.

"Why do you think they choose the slide?" he asked, referring to the drunken couples.

"Coverage," I replied, my face turning red.

"But it's cramped under there!"

"Well, they can't exactly use the woods – it's property of some rich family and the couples always get fined for trespassing and such because they find their DNA at the site."

"Creepy," Matt shuddered.

"Yeah. Why would they want that DNA?"

"And why would people…er…here if the land around it is owned?"

"Why would people fuck here anyways?" I countered his question, "After all it's illegal."

"No sense of justice," he shrugged, and then started to swing, making it creak.

"Or pride," I added, "I would prefer meaningful sex in a meaningful place."

"It just depends on the person for me."

"Psh. You whore."

"Yep," he jumped off the swing, "Let's go home, it's nearing midnight."

Home…

Do I even have one anymore?

"Oh…" he must have realized what he just said, "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," I got up, "Let's go back to L and Beyond's house."

"Okay."

He grabbed my hand and we started walking back, when someone shouted my name – my real name.

I turned around and the rest was like slow motion. My father was there, and he was saying something about me being a worthless faggot. He had a gun, and Matt was jumping in front of me when I heard the gunshots. He fell over, hitting his head on the side of the swing set. There was one more gunshot and my father fell to his knees, his blood and brains splattering the ground.

"Matt!" I screamed, falling to his side, "Matt!"

"Mello…" his voice was weak. No, he can't be…

"Mello…" He said again, "Police, Hospital, L…"

Oh, yeah…

I took his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed 911.

Holyshitholyshitholy_SHIT_

"Nine-one-one, what's your emergency?"

"He…I…old playground…shot…"

"Sir, calm down, where are you?"

"Old playground, off of Setauket, please hurry, he…"

I lost it. For the first time since I told Matt I loved him, I cried. I completely bawled my eyes out.

"Hang on, we'll be there soon."

"Mello…"

"No, don't – "

"Mel…I…"

"Mello?! Matt?!"

"What – crap, crap, crap!"

"I…I…"

"Hang on!"

"Mello? Hello?"

…Matt…


	11. Dark

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Death Note, but I own anybody you don't recognize, except BB, and if you don't recognize him, then go read LABB.

**AN**: I'm so sorry this took so long to get out! We just got our floors done and we had to buy a new keyboard. Anyways, this FanFic is nearing its end, a few more chapters and perhaps an epilogue. I love you, my sweet reviewers!

* * *

**Chapter 11 – Dark**

I had woken up that day in a hospital bed. I wasn't physically harmed, but my brain had allegedly gone into shock. I had to stay in the room for a couple hours so they could make sure that I was okay. I was then let out into the waiting room.

There was no word on how Matt was doing…

* * *

Funny. I never imagined Matt to have this much family.

The hospital waiting room was filled with his aunts, uncles, cousins, and his mom. A friend of his came all the way from France to see if he was okay. Her name's Linda and I think she likes him.

"Hey," someone said, sitting down next to me. He had gray eyes and wavy black hair.

I continued to stare at my hands, ignoring him.

"You're Matt's boyfriend, aren't you?"

…

"I'm his cousin, you can call me Gevanni."

…

"…Okay, uh…see you around."

Great. He's probably going to go back to the family and say something like, 'Oh, his boyfriend's so weird. No match for Matt!'

…God fucking dammit! Matt's dying and I can only freaking think about myself! I'm such a selfish bastard! I don't deserve him!

…I _don't _deserve him…

Every time I was called useless or worthless, they were right. I'm just a teenage freak who thought they deserved someone special, but I don't because _I'm _not special. I'm dumb. I'm so stupid. I'm selfish. I…

I…don't want to live anymore…

I got up and walked towards the door.

"Mello?"

I looked at Helena, who seemed worried.

"I need fresh air," I easily lied, and she bought it.

"Can you get me a Diet Coke?" No asked, looking grim for once.

"Sure. I need some chocolate anyways."

I sighed once I was outside. Then I ran.

_Weak, weak, weak!_

All I do is run away. All I'm doing is running away.

_Weak, weak, weak!_

I can't go on being weak. I can't go on…

I ran and ran and ran, my heart pounding to the mantra repeating itself in my head.

_WEAK!_

I ran until I collapsed and then I got up and ran some more. I couldn't breathe and my heart was pounding. I only stopped when I collapsed the second time. I had no clue where I was and I must have been lying facedown for fifteen minutes until I raised my head and looked around. I slowly took in my surroundings – swing set, slide, woods, lots of empty beer bottles and condom wrappers, blood stain near the swing set.

I was at the playground.

I slowly got up and made my way to the swing set, sitting down on the swing I had been sitting in, talking to Matt, barely 24 hours earlier.

No tears fell. I wasn't even sad. I was just angry.

I was downright pissed…at my dad, at myself, at my friends, at the doctors, at my mom, at Matt's cousin, at Aiber and his crew…

But I wasn't angry at Matt.

I reached into my pocket, knowing it was there – my release, my refuge. The blade.

It was always with me. No one, not even Matt, asked about it.

Did they even care?

I choked back a sob and brought it to my wrist. I slowly cut, leaving long, shallow cuts across the skin. I then pressed harder, making the cuts deeper and drawing more blood. I cut again and again and again, my mind blank and my fingers numb from gripping it so hard.

"God dammit!" I whispered, slicing savagely. I was already light headed and my vision was blurry.

I ignored the harsh, stinging pain. I eventually dropped the blade and started picking at the cuts with my fingernails, causing the flow of blood to pick up.

"Hey!" A female voice yelled, "Are you alright?!"

I looked up to see someone with blonde hair running towards me. My head spun from the quick motion (and the lack of blood) and I feel backwards off the swing and into the dark.


	12. Voice

**AN:**I am so freaking sorry! My computer died, leaving only my mom's laptop for work. She's a teacher. Teacher mom + school checking laptop + yaoi = mom fired = mom finding about about my slight obsession = grounded. So, I probably can't update a lot, because I'm using my flash drive, which sometimes doesn't save correctly. So, yeah…

Anyways, I totally changed the plot form here on out. I rewrote the chapter I had already written out, so this fanfic might actually end somewhat organized! Oh, and I'm almost done! Then I was planning a sequel, but from Matt's POV. The epilogue I _might _put at the end of this one is probably going to be after the sequel I'm planning, though.

**Disclaimer: **Death Note ain't mine, bitch D:

**Suggested Listening: **_Hospital _by The Used or _My Confession _– OT3P

* * *

**Chapter 12 – Voice**

_Mello, it's time to wake up._

No. I want to sleep.

_You can't sleep._

But I'm so tired.

_Open your eyes._

I don't wanna.

_Honey, it's not your time yet._

Mom?

_Yes. Please wake up._

But…you're dead!

_I know, Honey. Please, wake up. For me._

Okay. And mom?

_Yes?_

I'm sorry. I remember now. I love you.

_It was never your fault. I always loved you and I still do._

I found myself having to blink the tears out of my eyes as I woke up. I immediately knew I was in the hospital, but I wasn't in the same are as the past two times I woke up here. Instead of normal walls, there were two curtains on either side of me, probably separating me from other patients. This must be the ICU. Wasn't Matt in here before? That must mean he's still here! Unless they moved him to a safer room or…

"Oh, good," someone said, "You're awake."

A blonde woman came into focus next to me. Her fierce blue eyes focused on me, and despite the icy color, they showed motherly warmth.

"Who…" I was able to manage to say before my voice trailed off.

"I'm Halle," She answered my unspoken question, "I'm a nurse here. I'm the one who found you passing out on a swing set."

"Matt…" I whispered, "Is he…"

"Matt…I don't know him," she looked thoughtful, "Is Matt his real name?"

"No…Mail."

"Mail Jeevas?"

"Yeah."

"He's fine. He woke up a few hours earlier and stabilized enough to get moved out of the ICU."

"That's…good…" I muttered before drifting off to sleep again."

* * *

I woke up and Halle was still there. She was changing my bedding and smiled at me. I fell back asleep almost instantly.

* * *

The third time I woke up, I stayed awake. I was also out of the ICU and in a normal room. Halle was by my bed, and she was standing next to Matt.

I managed a smile through the haze clouding my mind.

"Matt," I said, "You're alive! Yay!"

"Mello," he practically scolded me, "Now's not the time."

"Am I late for a very important date?" I asked, finding his previous statement strangely hilarious.

He sighed and turned to Halle.

"Is he high?" he asked.

"He's on a lot of meds. They're feeding him anti-depressants through the IV, but they still don't know the dosage, which is why he's been asleep for the past couple of days."

I yawned, "_Boooring!_ Can someone feed me?"

"Sure," Halle said and walked out.

"Matty!" I noticed him again, "How have ya been?"

"Peachy," he replied, glaring at me a bit.

I stared at the wall for a while, my vision fading in and out, until Halle came in with a tray of the rumored-to-be-horrible hospital food. I took a bite, but I started gagging. I risked another bite, before jumping out of the bed, totally dumping all the food all over the mattress, and leaning over the trash can, retching. When my stomach was empty, I continued to gag a little bit. My arm hurt, too. Oh, yeah. The IV. I must've ripped it out.

"Fuck," I swore, feeling a bit more sober.

"Well, it's not like you need the IV anyways," Halle commented as I sat against the wall leaning my head back. She left with the gross trash can, leaving Matt and me alone again.

"I'm so sorry," I quietly apologized to Matt.

He sighed, "Please, don't talk about this now. We will later, we have all the time in the world to talk about it. I'm just glad you're alive and that I'm alive, too."

"I'm probably going to be locked up."

"I am too, Mello."

I looked at him quizzically.

"My addiction," he said quietly, "I got an infection on my arm that I didn't notice. The doctors did. They're making me go to rehab."

I must've looked like a fish at this point.

"Don't worry," he knelt down in front of me, "The nearest place is a joint rehab-psych ward place."

"You look way too chipper to be talking about this topic," was the only thing I could manage to say.

He smiled and kissed me.

Believe it or not, this is the first time we've kissed since we started going out. It sucks that it's in a hospital room and that I was just barfing less than five minutes ago.

But, hey, despite all that, this is still the best, sweetest kiss ever.


	13. Trip to Hell AKA The Rest of Our Lives

**AN: **This is the last chapter before the epilogue. It is very fluffy and almost bittersweet. It's also very short.

**Disclaimer: **Death Note…eh, it should be obvious by now. I don't own the song mentioned, either.

**Suggested Listening: **_Not an Addict _– K's Choice. Listen because of the mood, not the lyrics. Or _Your Guardian Angel _– The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

**Chapter 13 – Road Trip to Hell (AKA The Rest of Our Lives)**

The music ran through my headphones into my brain.

I was currently in a mini-van with Misa, Helena, Beyond, and Mikami. Oh, and Matt was there, too. We're currently driving across the state to the closest 'good-quality' psych ward. They have a rehab there, too. Isn't this all just grand?

I sighed and turned my music up louder, glancing over at the sleeping Matt beside me in the back seat. I then glanced at our entwined hands and let a small smile break through. My eyes closed for a moment, relishing in the feel of Matt's hand in mine.

'_I will never let you fall_

_I'll stand up with you forever_

_I'll be there for you through it all_

_Even if saving you sends me to Heaven'_

I opened my eyes immediately and skipped back to the beginning of the song. I turned the volume up completely and stuck the one of the earbuds next to Matt's ear. He jumped awake and I smiled, trying not to laugh.

"What the Hell?" he growled quietly at me.

I shrugged in response and told him to listen to the lyrics. He placed the earbud in his ear and I turned the volume back down. A few lines into the poetic verses, he looked at me with fathomless eyes.

That's when I knew that it was all okay, that we're going to get through this.

That's when I knew that he really _loved_ me.

I leaned in and kissed him on the lips, only to get an empty water bottle thrown at my head.

"PDA!" Beyond yelled before turning back around. I rolled my eyes and stuck my tongue out at the back of his head.

"How much longer until we get there?" Matt asked, tapping his fingers against his knee. His other hand was still held firmly in mine.

"About 20 minutes," Helena replied from the driver's seat.

"I'm going back to sleep," Matt grumbled, resting his head on my shoulder. I blushed a little bit at that, but I leaned my head against his anyways. I continued listening to music, actually feeling content with my life, until Misa gently shook me awake.

* * *

"We're here," she said, in a quiet-for-Misa, but normal-for-us voice.

I opened my eyes, and looked around. I couldn't see much from the car, but from what I could make out the asylum looked like a ski lodge.

"Hey, Matt," I grabbed his shoulder and shook it lightly, "We're here."

"Fuck," Matt groaned, sitting up. He cracked his neck and all his knuckles, earning a disgusted look from Misa.

"You guys getting out, or what?!" Beyond yelled from outside the car.

"Or what!" Matt shouted back, "I don't wanna go!"

I sighed and unbuckled both of our seatbelts. Matt immediately tried to re-buckle his, but Mikami grabbed his arm and practically dragged him out of the car. I rolled my eyes and got out after them. Before Matt could attempt to crawl back into the car, Helena slammed the door shut. Matt pouted and we started into the building.

"Hello," the woman at the front desk, whose name tag read 'Naomi Misora' greeted, "How may I help you?"

"We called," Beyond replied smoothly, "We have two people that are to be staying here."

"Names?"

"Their names are Mail Jeevas and Mihael Keehl. We made the, um, reservations under the name Lawliet."

"Is that legal?" Naomi raised an eyebrow.

"Yes. My grandfather recently adopted them."

"Do you have the papers?"

"Yes."

At that point, Helena walked up to the desk and pulled a thick pad of papers from her bag. Naomi looked them through and nodded. She made a call on the phone and a couple minutes later, a male doctor walked through the doors.

"Mail and Mihael?" he asked, surveying the group.

Matt grabbed my hand and stepped forward, "Matt and Mello," he corrected.

The doctor nodded and scribbled something on a clipboard. Wonderful, they're already taking more notes than necessary.

"Come with me," he said, and we followed through the double doors, looking back and waving at the group. We wouldn't be seeing them for a while.

I took a deep breath and turned my head and smiled up at Matt, who glanced down at me, looking worried. I squeezed his hand reassuringly.

I closed my eyes, realishing in the feeling of hope this place was giving me. I haven't hoped in so long.

I think I can begin to move on.


	14. Epilogue

**AN: **Epilogue! It's really short. Sorry for the wait, I just got addicted to Kingdom Hearts and it is eating my brain.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything, as you should know by now.

* * *

**Epilogue**

I looked up at the sun, shielding my eyes. I knew Matt, who was standing next to me with his hand held firmly in mine, was doing the same. This was perhaps the second time we had been outside in about three months and this time, and this time we were leaving for good.

"Mello!" a girl's voice shouted and I looked in the direction it cam from. Standing in front of a familiar mini-van was Jeanne, Helena, No, and Near. Behind them was another minivan, from which Light, L, Beyond, Mikami, Takada, and Halle were climbing out of.

I tugged on Matt's arm and we ran over to them.

As we were enveloped by hugs I realized that my friends were what I missed most. After all the crazy patients, angry doctors, uncaring nurses, and ineffective medications, I was finally out of that place and back where I belonged – with my friends.

Matt and I were ushered into the car and my hand found his. We looked at each other and I knew that he felt the same exact way that I did. We both went through Hell at that place, but it was better now.

We had our friends.

We had our lives back.

We had he fresh air.

We had hope.

And we had each other.

"Mail Jeevas," I whispered in his ear, "I love you."

"I love you too, Mihael Keehl."

I didn't cringe when I heard my name. I was free.


End file.
